Funny Bones: Time to Let My Grandson Do the Writing

by Alan Katz

Introduction

Maureen Dowd, celebrated columnist for The New York Times, each year lets her more conservative brother Kevin provide an annual letter from “the right — but not always correct — side.” In that spirit, I am opening the floor to my grandson, who turned two years old in December. He provides his own annual letter from “the toddler — and often saying ‘no’ — side.”

Year in Review

All in all, 2025 was a good year for me. For one thing, I learned to walk. I hear “just put one foot in front of the other” and “one step at a time.” Easy for you to say! My strategy is to just get rolling and then let momentum take me along. Kinda scary for observers, but it is a free fall black slopes slalom run for me every day. I also became quite fluent in the English language. I am particularly fond of the word “no,” which means do it my way or suffer the consequences. An occasional rebel yell can also only be ignored at one’s peril.

Grandparents

This year my grandparents celebrated Bard LLI’s 25th anniversary. I am not sure what that is all about, but I think Bard LLI may be day care for adults. I have to admit, I am all in on grandma. She’s the best. But I am not sure exactly what grandpa’s function is here. And why are grandpa and my dad always stealing my Legos and blocks so that they can play with them? Get your own toys!

Halloween

The highlight of the year happened in October. My millennial parents have me eating healthy food all the time — what am I in training?! Then one day in October they dressed me up in an outfit even more nonsensical than my usual sartorial offerings. But, suddenly, the world changed. We walked around the neighborhood, said a strange incantation (“trick or treat!”), and total strangers handed us the elixir of the gods. Why didn’t anyone tell me there was food like this?! They have been feeding me broccoli when I could have been eating a truly delicious vegetable called “Reese’s”!

New Sibling

I admit, I can be a bit of an attention hog, but hey, when you’re this cute you might as well flaunt it. Rumor has it that I have a new brother or sister on the way. I am quite confident that he or she will not change my world even in the slightest and cannot imagine how a new sibling could interfere with my monopoly on attention. Besides, I have it on good authority from some of my day care mates that if I do not like the new brother or sister, I can just have my parents send him or her back.

Resolutions

I am told that adults have a quaint notion of making resolutions for the new year. I am not sure how I can resolve to be better when I am solely fueled by id and am no doubt quite perfect (just ask my mom). I could try to have fewer tantrums, to be good to my new sibling, to not cause complete chaos when traveling, to be patient when waiting for my snacks … naaaaaaah! But Happy New Year to you all!