by Alan Katz
Introduction
The Republican National Committee and the Democratic National Committee have announced that Bard LLI will host one 2024 Presidential Debate on the Bard College Campus this autumn. Tickets will be available exclusively on ProClass.
Lottery Controversy
It is a well-established alternative fact that President Biden and former President Trump are only seeking re-election since they each failed in their past three attempts to be admitted into Bard LLI through the lottery process. President Biden’s spokesperson said that it was “a lot of malarkey” that he did not get in, especially since he offered to teach a class on “Scranton Tai Chi.” Former President Trump tweeted that this was “fake news” and that he actually did get in through the lottery but his place was stolen by the Deep State acting through Mike Pence and the Bard LLI Council.
Moderators
Larry David and Taylor Swift have been named as moderators for the debate. Mr. David said that he was “pretty, pretty, pretty excited” about the opportunity, mostly since he was provided a Bard College parking permit and a guarantee that “pig parking” would be banned. Ms. Swift only requested that she be afforded landing rights for her private jet on the Stevenson Athletic Center soccer field and given a ticket for her friend Travis.
Event Logistics
The event shall be held in Olin Hall and, while there will be no seats specially reserved for Bard LLI members, tickets will only be available on ProClass so it is anticipated that nobody but Bard LLI members will be able to figure out how to use the darn thing. Candidate decorum and civility will be required, provided that name calling will be permitted during a single five-minute long “I’m Rubber, You’re Glue” segment hosted by a guest moderator with her own moniker of “Birdbrain.” At their request, the candidates will participate on the morning of the debate in a special session of Bard LLI’s “Aging Well Through Movement” class at the Fisher Center’s LUMA Theater. Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., Jill Stein, and Cornel West were not granted spots on the debate stage, but have been permitted to run a joint bake sale on campus on the day of the event to help raise funds to continue their quixotic quests for the White House.
The Press
Press tents will be set up on the Bard campus by all of the leading national news organizations; however, only the Bard LLI newsletter’s team of crack reporters will be permitted to submit questions to the moderators. The Secret Service has indicated that questions on certain topics will not be permitted, pointing out through its spokesperson that “with this crowd, if either of them suggest touching Social Security, we cannot assure the candidates’ safety.” The Bard LLI newsletter staff anticipate closing the historic event with the following question: “Would you both agree now to spare us all any more painful months of campaigning and instead decide this thing today through use of that time-tested and most democratic of processes, ‘rock, paper, scissors’?”
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