by Alan Katz
Introduction
“As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect.”
Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis
Yes, Gregor, you had one bad morning, and I feel your pain, but stop whining. At least you awoke an animate being. I fear that my fate may be much worse.
CAPTCHA
The basis of my existential angst is “CAPTCHA”, the acronym for Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart (Really? Is that the best acronym they could devise?). These are the tests required to access a website that make you spell out words in distorted type or identify pictures with buses or motorcycles, challenges that theoretically only humans can solve. CAPTCHA was developed to deal with internet robots or “bots,” which are often programmed to pretend to be humans (sort of like politicians), allowing them to disrupt websites or compromise security.
I cannot confirm nor deny the rumor I just now started that Bard LLI’s Council is considering implementing our very own CAPTCHA system in order to access ProClass, which will require that we correctly identify pictures showing bocce or pickleball or, on a remedial level, differentiate Bard LLI students from Bard undergraduate students.
Password "Doom Loop"
Forget CAPTCHA; I cannot even remember my passwords! Lately, I have descended into my own inferno of the nine circles of password hell, where the only mature response is to heave my laptop against the wall. For example, I attempted to stream Furiosa: A Mad Max Saga but could not remember my password. (What, with a few literary references above, you now expect something more? Don’t judge me!) Is it just me, or does everyone have an endless smorgasbord of password possibilities?
Technology Always Evolves
Even when I somehow track down my password, I wonder whether I am getting dumber or the CAPTCHA tests are getting harder. Well, while all of the above may be accurate, the CAPTCHAs are getting harder by design! As I should know from Bard LLI’s cyber self-defense class, there is an ongoing bots vs. security protection techie geek arms race. Industry experts say that instead of identifying basic pictures, we will now need to solve logic puzzles (e.g., move a puzzle piece, rotate a 3D picture of an animal, or solve Wordle in less than four moves) or do something nonsensical that the bots cannot understand.
Are you kidding?! I cannot even find all of the traffic lights without getting a headache! Luckily, I excel at nonsensical.
My Own Metamorphosis
So, even though I checked the box to say that I am not a robot, I still failed four straight CAPTCHA tests! That is when it hit me like a punch to my hard drive, er, gut. No, not just that I may not be able to rent the Mad Max movie (a fate somewhat existential). Maybe I cannot solve the CAPTCHAs since, like a 21st Century Gregor Samsa, I have awakened as, and actually AM, a robot!!
Come to think of it, sometimes, when I put my hand under an automatic soap dispenser or sink faucet, nothing happens. Coincidence? I think not.
Does this mean that I will lose the points on my American Express card? Will my dog bark at me like she barks at the Roomba vacuum cleaner?
Well, there are some plus sides. My Russian has greatly improved, I did nail Taylor Swift concert tickets pretty easily, and I finally have figured out how to use ProClass.
Now, if I could just remember my password to access those concert tickets…
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